Update: I Do(n't)

Due to the thought-provoking and diverse responses generated by the last post, I’ve decided to write my responses in another post, along with a short update on the situation.

Rowan – You compare “free-will” marriage to arranged marriage. Intriguing. That really paints marriage more as a business investment, like you said, than a lovey-dovey Cinderella story. Having never been married, I can’t say one way or the other. But if a serious relationship resembles anything of a marriage, then I can say for certainty that love is hard work indeed.

There are so many definitions of love, and Jason inspires a new one every day. This weekend, he inspired this one: Love is when I can say to Jason, “I can’t talk to you right now, you’re driving me crazy, so go away,” and he just laughs and says, “You’re funny”.

I’m glad you pointed out the importance of being friends with your spouse. In talking to many couples, I’ve found that the happiest are those that learned to be best friends first. I’m trying to think how Jason and I would rate on the friendship scale. Hm…I think we’re getting there. We’re slowly but surely learning to talk and share our lives over drinks instead of just burning with passion (I say that with a lot of sarcasm, just so you know).

P.S. Ah, wisdom. Thank you for the compliment. Like our favorite heroes, I hope that when each turning point in my life comes, I will not only have the wisdom to recognize the right decision, but the courage to do it.

Nervous Girl – I am the same as you; I consider all sides and try to understand each person from their angle. Some may say we are indecisive, but I’d like to think we are objective and wise. =)

Kjersten – You bring up an interesting question: When a couple with children don’t get along, is it better for them to stay together “for the sake of the kids” or split and pursue individual happiness? I’m sure that, depending on our own childhood/family experience, we each have a different opinion on this. I grew up in a torn marriage and dysfunctional family. In the case of my parents, I often think they would be better off divorced. However, I still believe in families…I believe in the power and influence of a loving family…and I always hope that families can be salvaged. I’ve known Jeff and Alice for 8 months now, just long enough to know that, in their hearts, they really love each other. Circumstance and bad decisions have come between them. I hope their family can be saved.

Mollie – It breaks my heart, too. I also believe strongly in pre-marital counseling and have made that clear to Jason. Your hope and belief in marriage exactly describes how I feel about it and how I think I WILL feel about it when it’s my turn to get married. In the face of broken situations like this, our kind of hope seems so futile. But futile hope is better than no hope at all.

You mentioned that you have friends who are also divorcing. Assuming your friends are not that much older than you, that makes me so sad…they could not have been married for long, right? And what is this “out” that your friend described to you? Why did he go “in” in the first place?

P.S. I have no answers either. Just thoughts. I appreciate all of yours.

Etchen – Where in Ohio are you from?

Nikky – Your motives for cheating on your boyfriends are completely understandable. In the same way, I disagree with you that Alice’s actions immediately make her immature and thoughtless. I think her actions make her more human. I think Alice loves her little girls and, deep in her heart, she loves Jeff. Maybe it was the pressure of being too young, too poor, too tired, too burdened, too unfulfilled…She made a bad choice and I don’t agree with it. But I think we can all remember a time in our lives when every day was night, when the whole world was crushing our shoulders, and we just needed one person…just ONE person…to lift our chins up and make us feel beautiful and worthwhile again. My heart tells me that she longs for Jeff to be that person, and my prayer is that they can come together and work on their problems so that he can be.

Kimananda – I don’t think you’re being cynical, I think you’re being realistic. However, I think the idea of “better to find out now than later” is better applied to careers, hobbies, and relationships BEFORE marriage. When it’s applied to two people who are already married, let alone share children, that just makes me sad. That doesn’t mean I think that an abusive or obviously clashing marriage should stay together no matter what. Sometimes you look at a marriage and you want to scream at them, “What are you waiting for? Get the hell out!” I just think that once you say “I do”, you should treat that as an everlasting promise or pact, and do everything you can to save it.

Daphne – I’m curious to know what your previous comments were…the ones you deleted because you hated what you said. What were you going to say and why did you hate it? By the way, thank you for your inquiry about current events; I will update everyone as soon as I get done writing my responses here…

Elvira – Yes, as you and Rowan have illuminated, situations like this are not black and white. Sometimes we wish life were like a movie with clear-cut villains; then we could root for the “good guy” and boo the “bad guy”. In real life, we look for someone to blame because it’s easier on our conscience, but the truth is that we live in the gray, and that we all have multiple personalities…we are all equipped with the capability to be the good guy, the bad guy, and everything in between.

To your comment about haste, Jeff and Alice were not in any haste to have children. Kahlan was unplanned. In they were hasty in anything, it was to have sex and do it without protection. I don’t think they’d planned on getting married that early either; I think they did it to make it easier to prepare for the new baby.

However, I agree with you that, as a nation, we are in haste for EVERYTHING. This is really sad; as a society, we have been conditioned to never be content or satisfied with who we are NOW, where we are NOW, what we have NOW. I’ll admit that, as my highest dream is to be a wife and mother, I often wish that I was in that place right now. But all it takes is a few crying kids and poopie diapers to make me glad that I’m where I am now!

Everyone - Please continue to comment as you feel fit. Don’t hesitate to share your opinion and feelings about the situation. I don’t take any comments personally; I recognize that this situation in particular is very gray and has no clear-cut answers. In the same way, please don’t be offended if I disagree with you. We’re all friends here; if we all agreed on everything, this blog would be very boring.

Update on the situation: On Saturday, I brought two girlfriends with me to Jason’s house to celebrate Kahlan’s 3rd birthday. She was too caught up in being a “true princess” (you should have seen her gawdy tiara, earrings, and necklace) and trying to smash her face in her princess cake to notice that her mommy wasn’t there. After the party, we went to Joe’s house (Jason’s best friend) for karaoke. That’s when Jeff got a call from Alice and disappeared. An hour later he reappeared, giddy and chatty - the kind of giddy and chatty that could only have meant he either had a really GREAT conversation with Alice or he had a really BAD conversation with her. Either way, he started to hose his throat with alcohol, and I spent the rest of the night wondering whether he was high on hope or high on frustration.

The next day, Jason told me that Alice called him again later than night and again the next day. We both agree she still loves him and wants to make the marriage work. However, we once again differ on how we feel about it: Jason kept saying that what she did was unforgivable and “it’ll take a while for her to earn my respect back, if ever”. Frankly, I didn’t think his respect for her had any bearing upon the situation. Plus, I don’t think anything is beyond forgiveness; if anything were, then we’d all be S.O.L. and no marriage would ever work. From what I’ve gleaned from happy couples, marriage is all about commitment and forgiveness…you commit so you forgive…again and again. Alice’s actions happen to be much harder to forgive, but for their sake and the sake of those beautiful little girls, I hope they can learn to forgive each other and themselves.