I Do(n't).

What does real love look like? How do you know when you’ve found the real thing or you’re fooling with an imposter? When is love no longer enough?

Tough questions. Hard answers. I don’t know that anyone can say what they would do in a tough situation until they were smack dab in the middle of it, facing it head on. So what would you do if, at just 22, you found out the love of your life and your wife of 3 years had been cheating on you for the last year? Would it make a difference if two precious little girls were at stake?

That is what Jeff, Jason’s younger brother and best friend, had to face this weekend. Jeff is my age. Jeff and Jason grew up in a loving home without a ton of rules or regulations. If Jeff’s anything like his brother, he’s extremely stubborn, goofy, intensely loving, clumsy with communication, and is much better at adoring his lady than cleaning up after himself. At around 6’2”, Jeff is laid-back, his blue eyes calm. He always wears glasses, his brown hair is always a different length of fro, and he always wears denim.

Alice may be small, but anyone who knows her would never dare challenge her. She and her older brother Chris grew up underneath the terror of a manic depressive mother and the whip tail end of abuse. She fought to survive and still does. Her fiery red hair and fierce expressions match her direct, no-dicking-around approach to life. When she wants to get something done, she’ll get it done herself – and fast.

Jeff and Alice met through high school; he sat behind her in homeroom. From that moment on, they were inseparable. At 19, they approached Jeff’s parents and announced the big news: We’re pregnant. A few months later they were married. Not long after that, Kahlan was born.

Kahlan is the most quotable 2-year-old you will ever meet. She’s also dramatic, chatty, and incredibly smart. Her red-red curls frame her plump ivory face and her blue eyes dance when she giggles and jumps and dances. She will never tire of talking or sticking out her tongue to everyone she meets. Her 3rd birthday is next Saturday.

Bailey, Kahlan’s little sister, is 1 year old. She’s incredibly good at falling and acquiring new bumps and bruises on her forehead. She also has a voracious appetite; while grandma and grandpa have to beg Kahlan to eat a few vegetables, Bailey’s plump little fingers are grabbing every edible food item she sees. She can count to 13 and make the sound that cows make.

A few months ago, Jeff spent the night at his parent’s house after a fight with Alice. Then a few weeks ago, he had an emotional breakdown. Jason played mediator while they explained their frustrations with each other. They agreed to separate until Jeff could own up to his responsibilities and come back to the relationship better equipped for marriage. Last Saturday, Jeff followed Alice and caught her kissing another man…an older man who was a friend of the family. This Sunday, the reap-o man came to the house to claim Alice’s Ford Focus; apparently she’d failed to make payments on the car for 4 months. Jeff’s Dad, Paul, saved the car by paying all of it off and buying insurance for it.

The Focus itself was still running fine, but it had accumulated monstrous piles of trash in every nook and cranny. Jeff combed and cleaned through the car as the rest of us looked on. Among the things he found: a note by Alice describing the mutual adoration between her and her lover. I felt so helpless as I watched him clean. His parents were shocked. But none were so devastated as Jeff. He never cried or winced. Rather, like a ticking bomb, he moved quickly, with jerks and wry grins that made you want to hug him and back away from him at the same time. At one point he looked at me and remarked, “Ain’t love grand?!” Later that afternoon, Alice told Jeff that she’d been cheating on him for a year. Moments later, they declared divorce.

Jason, who was already in a bad mood that day, fought with me about the moral in’s and outs of the situation. He was furious and devastated on behalf of Jeff; as far as he was concerned, there was no sympathy or forgiveness left for Alice. I, on the other hand, was saddened by the entire situation and felt grief for all the people, including Alice. I wondered how many sleepless nights she must have had, wondering how to open her husband’s eyes to the emptiness she felt. I wondered what drained the joy out of their marriage. I wondered what was happening the day she decided to give up…the day she decided to look for happiness with someone else. Was it raining that day? Were the children extra fussy and Jeff too absent? Was her desire to feel beautiful and treasured again too great, and the efforts of her husband too small? Or, as society portrays cheaters, is she really just heartless, cruel, and weak? I don’t know. I believe that glitches in love are the result of love misdirected and misunderstood. I want to believe that their marriage can be saved, that love has second and third chances, but I also respect their decision and acknowledge that I have never been in their situation and therefore can only surmise so much.

Once upon a time, a friend shared with me this revelation: it’s not that getting a divorce is too easy, it’s that getting married is too easy. He’s right. I don’t think many couples know what they’re doing or what they’re getting into when they get married. Choices. It always comes down to choices. Who to love, when to marry, what to say, what to do…every choice has a consequence. I just wonder…is there a choice bad enough that cannot be salvaged by a good choice? When does the bad choice of one spouse cause the other spouse to say, “That’s enough. ‘I do’ no longer.”?