What I Want.

Ever since my whole emotional angst, started months ago, everyone has asked me the same question: What do you want, Leslie? You need to do what YOU want to do, Leslie. So tell us, WHAT do YOU want?!

This question frustrated the fucking hell out of me for two reasons:

1. I didn't know what I wanted.
2. Even if I did, I didn't know how to stand up for it. It was just too damn hard.

So I kept saying 'yes' to everything and everyone and, with every minute, I was losing my sense of self.

But last week, I kept hitting low point after low point. I was sinking with no way out. And someone said it one last time: Leslie, what do YOU want?! FUCK everyone else. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

And for the first time, I answered. Meekly at first, but still, an answer: I want to go home and not go anywhere. I want to feed Maxi, clean my room, and organize my closet from summer to winter. I want to watch the movies I've been meaning to watch for months, but haven't because I keep saying 'yes' everytime someone asks me to go out.

It was a small and pretty nerdy answer. But it was MY answer. And for the first time in a long time, I did what I wanted to do.

That was last weekend. And since then, I've been building up steam to learn what it is I want and how to follow through with it. I still cave and say 'yes' sometimes without thinking, but I'm getting better. I'm starting with the little things and maybe in time, I'll learn how to handle the big things.