Happy 27th Birthday, Jason!

Dearest Jasonface,

Today you turn 27. I know you don't want to celebrate it because you think you're old, and the very fact that I've now published it to the world is probably making you nauseous. However, I don't think you're old, and I doubt that anyone who reads this would think so either. In fact, I think some of them would be insulted that you asked your grandmother if her doctor would give her a "buy one, get one free" deal on her knee replacement so that you could get in on the deal. You're 27, darling. You're hardly withering away.

I also know that you think that, after 21, birthdays are no longer special, but that is, again, untrue. Birthdays are meant to celebrate the day that you, a person like no other, were born. And I can prove it too; that is, that there's no one else like you.

So for your birthday (and because your gift hasn't arrived in the mail yet), here are 27 things that make you, for better or worse, you.

1. Most of your little toes are crooked after being broken one-two-many times on a refridgerator or chair corner, stumbling in the dark.
2. You pluralize words. (i.e., I loves you, You got many hairs, I hurt my feets)
3. You wear 20-30 pairs of pants and one pair of shoes.
4. The difference between your Explorer and your trash can is barely perceptible.
5. You love guns, you love to shoot guns, you love to buy guns, you love to sell guns, and you keep your guns cleaner than you keep your belly button.
6. Speaking of belly button, I always thought the term 'belly lint' was an expression until I met your belly.
7. You are truly an ass, always putting your foot in your mouth, acting too cool for school with all your friends. Which makes it even funnier that...
8. You are incredibly sensitive, prone to spontaneous crying when the moment hits you and...
9. You are a snuggler. In fact, you put the SnuggleSoft bear to shame. You cannot sleep without holding or being held, and you insist on holding hands wherever we go.
10. You think country music is of the devil. (God forgives you for this. I do not.)
11. Sometimes you are so dense, I want to kill you. However, if someone tries to hurt me, you will kill them. I think this is a fair trade.
12. You like to watch The Discovery Channel, The History Channel, and Fraggle Rock.
13. You pluck the hairs on your shoulder, but you grow out the hair on your head and face like a weed.
14. You still don't believe that women poop or fart, despite the many times I have (literally) blown that theory out of the water.
15. You want to name our firstborn son 'Paste'. I do not think this is funny, and I hope you are already collecting funds for his therapy.
16. You hate Chrysler, Motorola, and Dr. Phil.
17. Despite being anti-Canadian, Crown Royal is your favorite liquor.
18. You hate people and rules, so you continue to work at a drive-thru to be able to tell off your customers, beat up your co-workers, and still have a job in the morning.
19. Anything that isn't to your liking is immediately labeled 'hippie' or 'gay', whether that is actually correct or not.
20. You don't believe in open-toed shoes outside of the house.
21. You often sleep with your shoes on.
22. You are NOT turned on by breasts.
    
23. You are so stubborn, even stubborn men say you are stubborn. Fortunately, you are also stubbornly loyal, so even if you piss me off, I am the only woman you will ever piss off. (Lucky me.)
24. You talk like a jester, hug like a prince, and kiss like a king.
25. You are an incredible cook and not one for grace, so rarely will anyone cook something that can't be critiqued by you.
26. You proclaim yourself to be clinically insane and also a topline genius.
27. Finally, you are incapable of loving more than one person at a time. For as long as you love one, she will have you until the day that love dies, if ever. That is why, despite our many differences, we are still together. Because we share this one trait. (That, and our love for food. All the time. Everywhere.)

Happy Birthday, Jason. Loves you.