Love Makes The World Go Round

And the lack of it makes it stop.

Yesterday Truman called me. He's not just my mechanic, he's my friend. A month ago, he told me that he was a recovering atheist; he hated God for his dad's addiction to crack, his mom's death, and his ex-fiance cheating on him. But he wanted to see his mom again and knew what he had to do to make that happen - that's where the "recovering" part came in. Moved, I bought him a few worship CD's with his favorite song, dropped them off, and invited him to church. Weeks later, he showed up. The next week, he brought his girlfriend. He was getting back on track with God and I was a part of it. Even in the midst of my own struggles, I was given a chance to help someone and it felt good.

"I don't know how to tell you this..."
I had done something wrong. What did I do?
"But I can't go to church with you anymore."
Why, Truman?
"Do you want the truth?"
Yes please.
"It's you."
What? What...I don't understand...what did I do?
"You didn't do anything. It's just that...well...I sit in church and I try to listen, but all I can think about is you."
My brain stops. I can't think.
"I think it'd be better if I went to another church."
But...but I can sit somewhere else! We can go to another service! Would that help?
"No, no, I really think I need to go to another church."

He told me that the last year of his 3-year relationship with his girlfriend was hell, and it was about to end. I wanted so badly for Truman to find love, and I was sorry that I could not give him what he was seeking. But I respected him for recognizing his weaknesses and making a change. We said goodbye on a hopeful note.

I was stunned. Guys think of me a lot? Like that? I wasn't flattered. I kept thinking, Where did I go wrong? Why is this happening? I was supposed to be aiding your life, not stunting it.

*

This past Monday, a Japanese model named Tenshi was scheduled to arrive from Nigeria. My bestfriend, Chris, had found her online. For a month and a half, they shared the deepest intimacies of their lives. I was still surprised, however, when he told me that she would be flying over within weeks to stay for 2 weeks. The flight cost? $1900. I tried to hint caution, but it was too late. He had already sent $600 to her to help with the flight. Plus, what could I have said? For months his desire for true love had grown more and more intense. He has so enamored with Tenshi that he was already hearing wedding bells.

I wasn't surprised when she disappeared. I never believed she was Japanese, a model, or working in Nigeria. I didn't even believe she was a woman. Whoever she was, she was gone, now $600 richer.

I asked Chris if he was okay. He didn't say much, only that he was disappointed. The next weekend, he drove to Baltimore with his friend Nikki for an extravagant getaway. He came back $550 poorer, quiet, and deeply in love with Nikki, who also professed her desire for him but has a boyfriend. Days later, a self-proclaimed sex apathest started writing erotica. He's still writing.

*

A few weeks ago, an old co-worker from my previous job found my AOL screenname and contacted me during work. We talked openly about our lives...a little too openly. He shared all the details of his troubled marriage, his domineering wife, his sexual frustrations, and the burden of raising 2 small boys amidst it all. I have a habit of telling too much, and in turn, I shared intimate details of my life that he had no business in knowing.

It wasn't too long before things went too far and I knew it. He readily declared his attraction to my figure, my face...he showered compliments and innuendos that should have been directed to his wife. Things needed to change, but how? I'd never been in that situation before, yet a part of me wanted to listen to him because he had no other outlet for his feelings. He wasn't a bad person. Was I overreacting? I discussed it with friends. "Have you considered leaving Jason for him?" No, I replied. I love Jason. I would never. "Then you know what you have to do," they replied.

It was only a matter of time before he made another distasteful comment toward me. This time, I swallowed my fear and gently but firmly told him the truth. I think we've crossed a line, I said. You've said things that are inappropriate and should be said to your wife. I'm sorry you're hurting. You need someone to listen to you, but I'm not that person. You need a professional counselor. You need to seek help.

He spat back. He defended his actions. He degraded and insulted me. He said, "I thought you were a girl I could talk to about anything, but I guess I was wrong." He left the conversation and hasn't spoken to me since.

*

Love changes people. So does the lack of it. Love is a wondrous, mysterious puzzle. It's boundless, measureless, and infinite - yet can be captured in a single moment. The lack thereof also has no bounds, no measure of what it is capable of, and can change a person in an instant. Wars, both large and small, are fought on the existence and the lack of love. As imperfect people, we have been on the giving and receiving side of both. Perhaps each of us was born with a different amount of love poured upon us. Yet we are each born with the capacity to love, and the decision to use it...and how and upon whom we use it...is also ours. Love is not a lesson. It is simply inescapable.