They Don't Teach You This Crap In School
How, in God's name, do you inquire and coordinate professional counseling for yourself on the phone while at work?
Why was I charged $300 per credit hour to learn Life and Times of the Boring and Dead when I should have been learning Awkward Situations 101? (Followed up by Very Awkward Situations 102.)
The workplace, I have found, takes much trickery of the mind indeed. Things like "How to Poop in the Workplace", "How to Fart in the Workplace", "How to Poop AND Fart in the Workplace," are all legitimate, necessary lessons we must all be sneaky enough to learn. And, coincidentally, these are all lessons that you can find on the Internet.
What I want to know is, WHERE is the lesson on HOW to relieve your psychosis through professional means without declaring it on loudspeaker in front of all your curious co-workers?! I mean, can you just imagine?
Hello, what can I do for you today?
Um, I'd like to receive [mumble] because I went through [mumble] and I'm now [mumble mumble].
I beg your pardon?
I SAID, I'd like to receive [mumble] because I went through [mumble] and I'm now [mumble mumble].
Ma'am, you're going to have to speak up, I can't hear you.
I SAID I NEED SOME FREAKIN' COUNSELING BECAUSE MY FAMILY F'D ME UP AND NOW I'M F'N' UP MY F'N LIFE!!
*awkward silence*
Whoever thought of giving mental health practices the same 9-5 hours as everyone else OBVIOUSLY wasn't a counselor him/herself, otherwise he or she would have known that this would force poor patients like me to come up with ridiculous tactics to contact heresaid mental health practices.
My eyes are always flitting back and forth to stare down anyone who could be listening. (As if it weren't bad enough that yesterday I announced that I was trippin' on drugs during the company meeting, now I look like a paranoid schizophrenic.) I take short walks past the kitchen to contemplate whether THIS time I could be brave enough to make the calls in there. Finally, I grab my purse and my cell phone and take the elevator 4 flights down to the ground. Yes, you guessed it, I have resorted to making my calls inside my car. There I am, sitting in the back seat with one leg hanging out of the open door, calling psycho services on my own ass. What's worse, one of my co-workers walks out to his car to drive to lunch, only to see me chillin' in my car. "F it," I thought. "It's good to have a range of reputations. Might as well hone my crazy rep right here."
Still deciding on who to go with. This crap is expensive. Will let you know.
Why was I charged $300 per credit hour to learn Life and Times of the Boring and Dead when I should have been learning Awkward Situations 101? (Followed up by Very Awkward Situations 102.)
The workplace, I have found, takes much trickery of the mind indeed. Things like "How to Poop in the Workplace", "How to Fart in the Workplace", "How to Poop AND Fart in the Workplace," are all legitimate, necessary lessons we must all be sneaky enough to learn. And, coincidentally, these are all lessons that you can find on the Internet.
What I want to know is, WHERE is the lesson on HOW to relieve your psychosis through professional means without declaring it on loudspeaker in front of all your curious co-workers?! I mean, can you just imagine?
Hello, what can I do for you today?
Um, I'd like to receive [mumble] because I went through [mumble] and I'm now [mumble mumble].
I beg your pardon?
I SAID, I'd like to receive [mumble] because I went through [mumble] and I'm now [mumble mumble].
Ma'am, you're going to have to speak up, I can't hear you.
I SAID I NEED SOME FREAKIN' COUNSELING BECAUSE MY FAMILY F'D ME UP AND NOW I'M F'N' UP MY F'N LIFE!!
*awkward silence*
Whoever thought of giving mental health practices the same 9-5 hours as everyone else OBVIOUSLY wasn't a counselor him/herself, otherwise he or she would have known that this would force poor patients like me to come up with ridiculous tactics to contact heresaid mental health practices.
My eyes are always flitting back and forth to stare down anyone who could be listening. (As if it weren't bad enough that yesterday I announced that I was trippin' on drugs during the company meeting, now I look like a paranoid schizophrenic.) I take short walks past the kitchen to contemplate whether THIS time I could be brave enough to make the calls in there. Finally, I grab my purse and my cell phone and take the elevator 4 flights down to the ground. Yes, you guessed it, I have resorted to making my calls inside my car. There I am, sitting in the back seat with one leg hanging out of the open door, calling psycho services on my own ass. What's worse, one of my co-workers walks out to his car to drive to lunch, only to see me chillin' in my car. "F it," I thought. "It's good to have a range of reputations. Might as well hone my crazy rep right here."
Still deciding on who to go with. This crap is expensive. Will let you know.
posted by The mini ninja at 4:45 PM
5 Comments:
Well, now that we can chat while we're both at work, maybe I can help. And for free no less! Who better to pick apart your psychosis than a relative stranger who hails from the same state in the middle of nowhere?
Pooping and farting in the workplace are indeed crucial skills to hone, but there's also the issue of pissing in the workplace. There was a woman who (briefly) worked in my office way back when. The other women employees started to talk in the lunchroom about the fact that someone was leaving a puddle of piss on the toilet seat. The woman in question innocently said, "Doesn't everyone do that?" Shortly thereafter, she was gone. Hopefully she doesn't have a discrimination suit pending, because i don't think that standing up to pee on a toilet seat is considered a disability--just a nuisance.
As far as deteriorating mental states--say no more. I'm batshit crazy myself--no exaggeration. Good luck in the therapy search--I often think that blogging and online support groups are the best therapy--and cheaper too. Of course, if you need meds, as I do, you have to bite the bullet. Like your blog!
Hi Leslie - Brilliant! It's an investment in your own happiness. Are you worth it? YES! Have you heard that saying 'pay yourself first'. Every time you pay the counselling bill, remember that you are paying yourSELF!
Emerald - If only you knew how many conversations I have mumbled through at work...
Torricane - I agree, the best thing about blogger is that it is FREE therapy. What?!
Elvira - If I had more tea this morning, I would have peed myself, that is just so funny. I really do feel for that woman. But really, we spend most of our time at work. Lessons on how to conduct our bodily functions at work should be a requirement!
Astryngia - That is some GREAT advice. Here I am, bitter about how much this will cost me, when really I am paying myself. You're right, this is a bloody brilliant move!
uh huh!
I rarely call my doctor, but when I do, it is always something I do not want my workplace knowing about: I'm pregnant, my medication for depression isn't working, I cannot get pregnant, my libido is caputs, etc....why do they do that to us?
Gab At Les
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