iFart
Jason and I celebrated our 6-month anniversary this past Sunday. Somewhere amidst my "how could you forget" cry, his "I gotta smoke a cig" frustration and our make-up "I still think you're hot" dinner and walk along the river, I discovered one thing: the many ways a person can fart.
Some my family taught me: the blurp-while-walking fart (mom), the lift-a-cheek-during-dinner fart (sister), the outright-obnoxious fart (dad), the fart that sounds like a trumpet (sister), the discreet yet deadly fart (me). Jason taught me a few more: the after-makeout fart, the sideways leg lift fart, the I'm-sleeping-so-I-don't-know-I'm-farting fart, the "or else" ultimatum fart, and the "I can fart but you can't because you're a girl" hypocrite fart.
This Sunday, Jason's ass continued to enlighten me. Observe:
The "while we're spooning, vibration in my lap" fart
The "leg straight up in the air" kick fart
The lean over while we're in a fancy restaurant to say "I just farted, but it was 5 minutes ago" sneaky fart
The "distort my face to horrify my girlfriend while we're in public" pretend fart
So, my stinky friends, how many other farts can you name?
posted by The mini ninja at 2:00 PM
11 Comments:
Emerald is smart to lay down the law like that.
Greg was so polite for about four years, then all barriers were dropped. In the morning, he's got the there's-a-nuclear-war-going-on-in-my-intestines farts. I keep to the silent killers myself... I'm not allowed to fart out loud because I'm a girl.
Emerald, why didn't I think of laying down the law like that? Jason has completely tainted my sheets with his flatulence. BELIEVE ME, he has followed up MANY otherwise romantic moments with his gas act. That and a little ball-ass scratching. He thinks it's hysterical.
Kjersten, oh I feel your pain. Er, rather, I smell it. Do you jump out of bed when that happens? Hold you breath? Threaten to push him off? Jason has approached me with the hypocritical "you can't fart because you're a girl" act. I always wag a threatening forefinger at him and yell "double standard! DOUBLE STANDARD!" But then I can't get up the courage to fart like he does. It's not fair.
I read this a few days ago, which coincidentally was the day after the kids and Jed had a long discussion about farts and a big debate about whether I fart or not. After several years of being together, I finally told Jed to just TELL me if he farts (ya know, if he does it in another room and it follows him) because I need to be forewarned.
Correction, I read it yesterday (when you posted it, duh). I need a nap. And to proofread my replies.
Well Becky? Do you or don't you? =) The world must know.
Everybody farts, Leslie, just like everybody poops. (There seriously is a book called "Everybody Poops," and Kieran picks it every night for his bedtime story.)
HAHA I was just wondering why then your family was debating whether or not you fart?
Oh yes, I LOVE that series. It's the one redeeming quality about the Japanese, other than sushi. I bought the entire series then gave them away as Christmas presents. Have you seen the boob book? How much more obvious can the cover get?!
the "blame it on the dog" fart. its my husband's favorite.
I have not seen the boob book... maybe I'll put it on Kieran's xmas list, since he seems to like all things anatomical and any bodily function or things that come out of parts (nose picking is big on his list of hobbies, as is sticking his hand down his pants).
My family doesn't know because I am a silent farter. I let `em rip when no one else is around.
Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP » » »
Gab At Les
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