Men Jokes!

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Last night, Jason walked into the living room, and with a sly expression that clearly meant he was about to say something he thought terribly clever, he said, "What do you call a woman with two black eyes?"

I sighed. The only thing worse than a woman joke is hearing a woman joke over and over again because your boyfriend forgets he recycles the same 3 jokes like a bad menstrual cycle.

(The answer, by the way, is "Nothing. You done told her twice.)

As a short asian woman, you can only imagine the many corny jokes I've had the misfortune to hear. They don't irritate me. On the contrary. Never one to turn down a battle of wits, I've finally decided to give it back.

To all women who've been at a loss for a comeback (but knowing full well that there is plenty about men to ridicule) and to all men who've never gotten their comeuppance - this is for you.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
when you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.