"I'll even wipe your ass"

Well this is exciting. A brand spankin' new online journal. I won't lie to you, blogger, you're not my first. I've been with two other online journals before you and none of them worked out. They say, though, that until you've found the right blog, you're bound to break up with every other blog until then. Blogger, may you be the blog of my life.

I'm at work and I'm in a haze. I'm so used to getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night; Counting the few hours I might have gotten collectively after a night of arguing, crying, and making up with my boyfriend just doesn't cut it. It was a necessary confrontation and I don't regret it, but shouldn't there be a cosmic rule that outlaws work days immediately following sleepless nights?

This is the first day in weeks that I haven't glued my eyeballs to the screen in search of every possible scoliosis "cure". My level of pain dictates the level of stress and the amount of my "scoliosis searching" for the day, so since I'm feeling relatively okay today, I'm not in full panic. The decrease in pain could be attributed to my new Maxie Backsie MA Roller (or, as I like to call it, my "back stick"), but I don't know. When you're in as much pain as I am, you're willing to try anything short of voodism and, when your pain actually lessens, you don't question why it did. You just close your eyes and hope it lasts for as long as possible.

Last night I cried as I talked to Jason about how overwhelmed I felt with scoliosis. The cause and cures of scoliosis are inconclusive at best, leaving victims of this disease devastatingly alone in their quest to find an answer. I already think too much and too far ahead as it is. With scoliosis, my mind explodes like a can of paint crashing against a brick wall.

I have a consultation with a new orthopedic surgeon who specializes in scoliosis in 2 weeks. He is the third surgeon I've seen, but I have to know one more time. Do I qualify for surgery?

I cried over my fear of not knowing which avenue to take (massage therapy in Tampa? chiropractic in Minnesota? scoliotic bed from Korea? surgery?). A part of me wants my body to worsen just so the surgeon will say "Yes, you qualify for surgery and it is your only option." My cousin, Michael, thinks that's a terrible way to think. But I'd rather have a single, clear path to wellness than live in a grey area with hundreds of options that I must sort through and that I cannot afford.

I've read enough journals and articles to have a good idea of what to expect before, during, and after surgery. I don't fear pain; I fear facing pain alone. Scoliosis surgery is no small matter. Ribs are cut, muscles are damaged, vertebrae are fused with metal rods. Yet it is the recovery, not the surgery itself, that is painful for the person and his/her family. A full recovery takes several months, but I would be fully incapacitated for the first two weeks. I'd need help with everything - eating, showering, dressing, even going to the bathroom. My parents and I do not have a supportive, understanding relationship. They would help with every physical need, but it is the emotional support that I fear I will lack. I approached Jason with this and my fear of not being able to go to the bathroom by myself, to which he replied, "I'll get out my supersoaker".

It was the first time I'd ever wholeheartedly laughed about anything pertaining to scoliosis.

Before we fell asleep, I asked him, "Will you take care of me if I'm sick?" With his eyes closed, he replied, "Yes, in fact I'm looking forward to it. You just need hurry up and get sick...a sniffle, a cold, anything will do. I'll even wipe your ass. Now go to sleep."

For all his faults, he has a good heart.