Has it really been that long?

For my own sanity, I will not write about my struggles over the past few weeks. I will be brave.

Today, my bestfriend from college, Mark, is driving from Chicago to spend the weekend with me. He has graduated from training and is now a full-fledged helicopter pilot for the army. In May, he will be shipped to Iraq to fight a war that has been far from me until now.

I am nervous; it's been a year and a half since we've seen each other. A lot has happened in a year and a half. We've both changed. I wonder if we'll be able to adjust.

But I'm going to be brave. When I go home, I'm going to say hello to Maxi as usual and tidy up the place. Then when he comes I'm going to hug him so tightly, it would make any military man nervous.

Because great friends are hard to come by. And I want him to know that I know. And that makes me brave.

The things geeks do.

Saturday I traveled to the Ohio Renaissance Festival with Jason and my friend Josh. If you've ever been to a ren fest, you know that its unofficial title is 'Where geeks, nerds, and dorks' come out to play. Scores of people, from teens to elderly, dressed in costumes that cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Robes, bustles, capes, mail, boots, swords, axes, and corsets. Men in tight tights and women with bulging, bouncing breasts. Knights, queens, peasants, and jesters. Poor English accents, cheesy jokes, and staged acting. With my Aeropostale jacket, Josh's popped collar, and Jason's 'Beer all you can beer' T-shirt, it wasn't long before we realized that we were the outcasts.

We enjoyed every minute of it.

At one point we were watching the jousting and, being as vertically challenged as I am, was hopping like a fish out of water to catch the action. Jason and Josh took turns hoisting me on their shoulders. It was a little weird being the tall one of the crowd and looking down. But the best part was all the curioius 'Aren't you a little big to be doing that?' looks I got from little kids who were also on their parent's shoulders.

I gave them a look that said, 'You're never too big to sit on a man...or his shoulders.'

Fighting back.

Friday night, I broke down. I fought it for a long time, but the tears I had been swallowing for 2 months could no longer be repressed. My head boss had told me earlier that morning that if I didn't like the way she talked to me, that I should "suck it up" and that I had failed as a copywriter. I received no apology from her for the angst she had caused me, yet in a cruel twist of fate, spent the rest of the day trying to apologize to her.

That was the last straw, the last crashing tidal wave against a rock now split in two. After being cut down by my landlord, my roommate, and now my boss...after the deterioration of my new car and a $1100 bill...after continually weathering the sorrows of two men in love against my own lost, heavy soul...I was finished. I felt nothing but tears and emptiness.

But in the end, love still saved me. Just as I gave up, my sister called. I told her everything. She was shocked, but not at my situation. At me.

"What do you MEAN you don't know who you are, anymore?" she bellowed. "I know who you are. You're Leslie. You're my sister. And no sister of mine is going to sissy out like this!"

She continued on like that for a while...until I started talking, until I stopped crying, until I got angry, and until I rose to the challenge.

And now I'm on the other side of the line...the line of assholes, arrogant bitches, and people who will always tear me down. At one time I was facing them and letting them cut me down until I was nothing. Slowly but surely, I am walking to the other side, where I am angry, where I no longer care, where I walk proudly and leave them behind me.

I am loving, I am compassionate, and I am determined to be better.
I am justified in who I am.
And you will not stop me.
I will never treat people like you have treated me.
And you will not stop me.
I will become a greatly respected writer and pioneer in advertising.
Those who work for me will not respect me out of fear,
but out of admiration and appreciation.
And you will not stop me.
No matter what my position or how much I make,
I will always respect and engage even the smallest person.
And you will not stop me.
I will persevere and become exactly who I desire to be.
And you will never, ever stop me.

It can't rain all the time.

After a month of tears, screams, wasted money, and sacrificial gallons of ice cream, I'm back.

And I'm doing much better.

I finally picked up my car from the dealership last night. The car had started breaking down 2 days after I bought it one month ago, and it had been 2 weeks since I had even sat in it. I had to figure out all the buttons all over it again. The drive home was so smooth that I couldn't believe that it was the same car that had threatened an addiction to a lifetime of Rogaine for women.

And you know what? I decided not to call the seller. Yeah, he sold me a car that needed a grand in repairs. Yeah, he caused me one month of ridiculous strife. But once I was in the car last night and felt that peace wash over me, I realized that there are some things that are more important than money. Like my mental and emotional health. And if paying $1000 means I can attain peace one day earlier, then it's worth it. As my mother always says, "It's only money, Leslie."

Work is loosening its grip as well. The hell project that I was working on is almost coming to a close. The shit that I got from my head boss for a week straight has stopped, and I'm meeting with her today to diplomatically discuss what went wrong with our communication and how to help each other do better the next time.

Life still isn't exactly where I want it to be yet, but the ball has hit the bottom of the well and is bouncing up. So a hug and kiss to all of you who have kept me in your thoughts and stayed beside me through my storm. The sun is coming out, thanks to you.

Hump Thoughts

Every day is a day to make mistakes, learn and grow. In the past few days, I have learned that...

• Disabled people are not just disabled physically. Our society disables their ability to live like everyone else. Now that my sciatica inhibits me from standing or walking for longer than half an hour, I've now discovered that there aren't enough ramps in stores, enough motorized carts in groceries, or enough respect for the hurting. I'm blessed to have people who love me regardless and push me around (literally) when I need it. But not everyone is so lucky.
• You can't make yourself love someone and you can't make someone love you. Additionally, the reason for such is often illogical, unexplainable, or does not exist at all.
• We were wrong about love. Love does not suck. It is not mysterious. It is not a bitch. It is not complicated. Love, in fact, is quite simple. Love is not a verb, it just is...without rhyme or reason. By turning it into a verb, and thus an action, we are the ones who fuck it up. We misunderstand it. We confuse it. We complicate it. Love does not ask for or need respect. It is given to us whether or not we ask, and it is up to us as to what we do with it.
• Overeating sucks. Dieting sucks more. Overeating it is!
  

Kettle chips for the soul

It's 9:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning and I have finished off half of a large bag of kettle potato chips. Prior to that, I was popping cherry tomatoes. I washed it all down with Watermelon Gatorade.

Hm. I thought I might have more to say than that, but I don't. Just a belly full of tomatoes, potato chips, and Gatorade.