Privacy for Privates

I hate public restrooms. I have nothing against the restroom part. The toilet and I are good friends. If my butt is having frequent outings with the toilet, that's the sign of a solid friendship.

It's the public part I can't stand. I can't have conversations with the toilet when someone else is sitting right beside me having the same conversation. How did restroom designers think that a metal semi-wall would make me feel more comfortable? Does that somehow shorten the distance between my dropped panties and hers?

When someone walks into the stall right next to mine, I freeze. I squeeze my systems to a shutdown, close my eyes, and pretend I'm invisible. Then it happens. My mind floods with an overwhelming rush of thoughts. Is she having the same conversation as I am? Am I going to faint from her part of the conversation? Is she looking at my shoes like I'm looking at hers?

And then I start listening to clues. A rip means tampon. A nervous shuffle means poop. A clearing of the throat means pee. (You know you have the same decoding system, don't lie.)

Finally, I start sending her strong 'go away' vibes. Go away, I say. This is an A-B conversation, so C yourself out.

Do I hear an Amen?