Leslie: On Love

I know you all are wondering. I've saved this topic for last because it's the most complicated, the hardest to understand, the most painful for me to explain, and the reason why I haven't written you all in so long.

Some of you may already know this (or have guessed it from my writing), but prior to college graduation, life was pretty sheltered and bleak. Childhood is not something I care to remember. College was definitely a breakthrough for me, but my soul was still a bud. It hadn't bloomed.

Then I graduated and almost immediately met Jason. I'd never had a serious relationship before, but the chemistry was there. We had extreme ups and downs and fought the ourselves as well as each other. But I never questioned who I was supposed to be with or who I was.

Up until a few months ago. I'm not sure what happened. Something in me snapped or maybe a switch turned on. But suddenly I looked at myself - young, beautiful, at the peak of her life, finally blossoming - and realized I simply wasn't ready to be in a serious, committed relationship. I fought the feeling for a long time. After all, I loved Jason. He was/is a good man. The best. No one knew me or loved me like he did. That's still the case.

But after a while, I got tired of fighting. It just wasn't fair to Jason...to be with him because I wanted to protect him, because I was scared of letting go, all the while hating myself for feeling this way in the first place.

It's been a very emotional couple months, but I've finally gotten to the place where I'm ready to let go...not for lack of love, but because of it. And for my own sake also...to dip a toe into the unknown, to discover this new me, to meet new people and to settle my mind at peace.

So now here I am...whoever I am. I guess I'll find out, won't I.

Out of deference for Jason, I won't be sharing much more on this topic publicly. However, feel free to email me in private. Your support is so welcome, as always.